So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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