the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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