her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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