Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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