Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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