You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I cut my penus on the lid.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
