got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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