Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
True but thats because hes a fetus.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I deserve this hangover.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
