I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
