Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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