is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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