The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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