Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
