I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
