I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
