if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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