my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
tell me about the eggs
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
