I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
