i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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