I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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