I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
There's even glitter on my cock...
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