Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The air was thick with penises
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
