best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
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just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
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I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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