Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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