I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
