Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
