my being single is dangerous.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
