Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
