I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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