Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
