my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
