Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
