So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
