I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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