My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
