I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
