also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
