Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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