New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
