my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Be still, my beating vagina.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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