Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
