In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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