Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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