I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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