Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
