Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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