when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
