If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Bring me that man meat
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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