My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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