just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Randomize
