you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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