Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
