I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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