ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
